my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
