dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
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