I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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