i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
