Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
