Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
