That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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