my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
