Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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