I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
