You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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