need another drink. this is the easiest way
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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