Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
