it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
