Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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