i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
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Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
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The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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