She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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