Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
