I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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