Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
