I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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