My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
We are all done wearing pants today
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
