i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
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