really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
