I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
