K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
