Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm too high and old for this...
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
