guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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