I'm pants shitting drunk right now
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Randomize
