her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
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Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
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Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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