I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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