either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
