Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
