I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
