My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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