I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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