Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
