Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
