guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
