i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
