Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
