im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
