Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
