i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
