can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
