hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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