Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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