I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
