dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
