i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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