Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
