billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
