I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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