Where is the hickey?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
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I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
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Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
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