There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
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