Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
