I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
